Live~Learn~Laugh~Love

Big Red Truck

Thu, 22 May 2008 19:20:58 GMT

So, before there is a planned intervention...

Many of my friends and neighbors (or rather neighbors who are my friends) have called...or emailed...or pounded on my front door...after seeing a Big Red Truck, with Minnesota plates, parked in the driveway. No, Mitch has not moved back nor is he visiting. And yes, I am still here though my Jeep is mysteriously not.

Everyone take a collective sigh of relief. Go ahead, I'll wait....

When the house sells, I'm buying a new car and Mitch was to take the Commander. He asked me to switch cars with him now as he is starting a new job next week and had the time to come get the Jeep rather than pay to have it shipped later. I know, I'm a saint. Surely they will name a church after me when this is all over. Or at least a high school.

Anyway, for the next couple months, I'm driving that obnoxiously huge and loud F350. Sooo not my style. I must admit though, it does command a certain amount of attention. I thought it was just because the thing sounds like a freight train coming down the street...but the construction crew working on my kitchen have assured me that a blond girl in heels jumping out of a Big Red Truck is HOT!

Hmmm....maybe it's a Flagstaff thing?

I love you all soooo much for checking on me! It will break my heart to move out of this neighborhood once the house sells!

Maybe~

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 03:50:32 GMT

Maybe...we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift. Maybe...when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but too often we look so long at the closed door that we never even see the new one which has been opened for us. Maybe...it's true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives. Maybe...the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything they have. Maybe...the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't move forward successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches. Maybe...you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of. Maybe...there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- sooo much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real; so that once they are around you appreciate them all the more. Maybe...the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've had in a long time. Maybe...you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too. Maybe...you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone. Maybe...giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours. Maybe...happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives. Maybe...you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile. Maybe...you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

Dog is my co-pilot

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 03:39:50 GMT

So here's the really fucked up thing about living in Flagstaff this time of year when you are the owner of a dog (or two, or three):

In Flagstaff, it snows...alot...but between snow storms, there is typically a stretch of nice, sunny weather. Great if you spend all your time up on the slopes...really shitty if your afternoons usually include a hike with the dogs. Why, you ask? Because during those stretches of nice weather, the snow melts...and turns to MUD! All the hiking trails: MUDDY. The dogpark: MUDDY. The back yard: FUCKING MUDDY!

You might say, oh well, just give them a bath. The bitch of that is...it stays cold enough that you can't really use the outside hose. And even if I do manage to get some water through the icicle that once was the hose, my dogs are way to smart for that shit. That water is COLD! Of course so is the water in every single mud puddle they so happily roll in during our hike...but turn on that hose during the winter and watch those dogs fly! Go figure.

Today was no exception. Except now, I have an almost full-grown Newfoundland. And I thought Rocky was bad! If I was ever lost in the desert with these dogs, trust me they would find us some water! And then roll in it. Anyhoo, we went on our hike...a nice long one today...and they actually only found two big mud puddles to roll and splash around in. By the time we got back to the car, they were fairly dry, if not a tad dirty. But both of them b-lined for the nearby dog park...and Molly soooooo loves the dog park how could I deny? I should have known better.

The second I opened the gate, mud puddle central! They played and they played and they played...for at least another hour...while I chatted with some friends. By the time I dragged them out of there, they were both head-to-toe covered in mud. Fuck. Not that it matters to my new car anymore. What used to be a gray interior is now a lovely shade of brown. So we get home...I try the outside hose thing (not a chance in hell that's gonna happen)...so in the house we go. I put down towels and dog blankets in a path all the way to the master bath, and then proceed to drag Molly Brown into the tub. Rocky is, by now, hiding in a closet somewhere.

Unfortunately for me, I have a really nice master tub...with the oil-rubbed bronze "rain-bath" shower head I so carefully chose and just had to have. Bitch of that is, a "rain-bath" isn't worth shit on a muddy Newfoundland. And how are you suppose to get the underbelly of a squirming 100 pound dog clean with a plastic pitcher? I have spent the last hour and a half trying to just get her wet! It's so cold here, she has the thickest winter under coat I've ever seen! Which makes it damn near impossible to ever get her totally wet.

Mitch never got around to building me that outdoor dog shower I kept asking for...so I am cursing his name the entire time I am washing these muddy-ass dogs in my now muddy-ass master bathroom. I swear to God, they are never leaving the house again. Except, if I don't run the shit out of them most every day, they make my life a living hell. OCD Rocky and bounce-off-the-freaking-walls Molly. This is my life. God, I miss California. When the worst I had to worry about is was a little bit of sand. Those were the days.

Right now, I'm laying in bed...exhausted, dirty, completely beside myself over the mud puddle that once was my lovely bathroom. There are sheets and dog towels and dog blankets covering every inch of my beige carpet...so of course they are both spread out on my bed, snoring happily, and dreaming about rolling in those wonderful mud puddles.

I wonder how early the housekeeper can come tomorrow?

Addictions

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 03:39:39 GMT

I'm addicted to MySpace!

Help meeeeeee!

Why I'd rather date my dog...

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 21:54:20 GMT

Whether you've been gone five minutes, or five days, your arrival home is always a reason for celebration.

When dogs try to act dominate, you can take them for obedience training.

Dogs are comfortable and secure with a routine.

Dogs are thrilled to meet your friends and family.

Dogs always appear captivated by your conversation.

Dogs adore attachment.

Dogs are easy to please. A few belly rubs and butt scratches will satisfy any dog.

Dogs live in the moment, unlike humans, who linger in the past or obsess about the future.

Dogs understand the significance of a good cuddle.

Dogs do everything they can to charm and amuse you.

Dogs are always eager to join you while running errands.

Dogs never reject you if you gain a few pounds.

Handsome dogs are never self-absorbed or egotistical.

A dog entering his middle years won't abandon you for a younger mistress.

Dogs are loyal, and give you lifelong commitment.

Dogs are eternally grateful for all you do for them.

Dogs are not threatened because you have a higher IQ.

When dogs look you in the eye, they never lie.

You're always number one with your dog.

Dogs actually act remorseful when they've done something wrong.

Puppy love lasts forever with a dog!

Happy 2008....please!

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 20:50:18 GMT

Dear 2008,

How are you? I am fine.

Now that we've gotten the niceties out of the way, there are a few things we need to discuss. First, a request. If you happen to run into 2007, would you mind giving it a good swift kick right in its vulnerable nuts? It's true...2007 did bring some good things my way. But as far as I'm concerned, 2007 still has an awful lot of explaining to do — not that I expect it to be capable of speech after the vicious testicular blow I trust you will deliver.

But enough of that...let's look to the future. I'm not asking for much my dear 2008. I'll make you a deal: I will eat more healthy, live more green, go to the gym more often, and vote democrat. In return: I'd like an amicable divorce, healthy & happy fur-babies, a big fat raise, and way more laughter than tears. Oh, and if you could throw in a really hot fireman for good measure, I'd be ever so grateful.

You might be asking, "What's in it for me?" I'm not making any promises, but maybe, if you agree to my reasonable request, once 2009 rolls around I'll ask it to go easy on your groin. Yeah, I'm kind of a softie.

Now for my wishes on behalf of others. Never let it be said that I am not a giving, caring person and shit. For those who are grieving, comfort. Clarity for the confused. Peace for the conflicted. Health, prosperity, joy, and a better year all around for each and every one of us. Is that too much to ask? Hey, if I'm running up my tab, just put it on my bill. I'll settle up with Visa later.

2007 left behind a pretty awful mess, and I'll leave it in your capable hands to clean it up.

Cheers,

Nicky

Till the cows come home....

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 01:28:36 GMT

So the cows are back....and Rocky, Molly and I have been unceremoniously booted from our favorite running trail. Now, anyone not living in Flagstaff Meadows may not appreciate the true meaning behind the statement "the cows are back," so I'll elaborate....

....It seems that the herds of cows living in Northern Arizona are sort of rotated from one area to another throughout the year. "Why?" one might ask....Well, logic would say that the rotation allows the eaten vegetation to re-grow. But I personally think it's due to the profuse amount of *shit* that these animals leave behind, and once the neighbors are actually able to smell this lovely aroma in their living rooms....well, it's time to hit the proverbial trail, cowboy.

So anyway, last year when the cows came to call, I guess they ran out of room to *shit* in the 5 million some-odd acres that they have to roam in behind Flagstaff Meadows, and they managed to break free of what passes for "containment" (a piddly little barbed-wire fence that any ole' cow could shove her way right through, should she feel so inclined) in order to peruse what tasty morsels there were to be found in the neighborhood! I almost packed my bags and headed for civilization the day I came home from work and actually had to drive around cows to get down my street! There were cows grazing on people's lawns and flower beds....cows drinking from the man-made lake and babbling brook that winds through the development....and of course, generous piles of *shit* everywhere. This went on for at least a week before some cowboy (or cow-person) came and wrangled their damn cattle.

Now they are back....but have so far stayed put in their damn field. Unfortunately, the running trail that I take the dogs on every evening is now either populated by cows or by cow shit....or both. And oh how Rocky just loves to roll in the shit of anything, and oh how Molly just loves to eat the shit of anything! Coyote crap, I can handle....but cow shit is a whole different league! And then there is the BULL! *see photo below.

So, we now have our daily run in town (and the fact that I even have to say the words "in town" causes my eyes to uncontrollable roll back into my head), which is ok except for that I have to actually drive to get there. Our favorite trail "in town" winds up one of the many foothills around here. The trees are sparse enough that the dogs can run through the woods, sniffing forest smells until their little doggie hearts are content, and I can keep an eye on them from the trail. On a good day, we actually reach the top where there is an amazing view. And when I stand up there, taking in the view of Flagstaff and the Peaks and breathing in the crystal clean air, it's kinda hard to miss civilization. For a minute....

Happy TG!

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 03:14:52 GMT

Just home from Thanksgiving holiday at mom's. Going to my mom's house, or being around her anywhere really, is always a blessed event for me (in a totally secular way of course). Ungodly amounts of love and pampering; sleeping in late with no morning responsibility other than brushing my teeth; lively conversation and lots of laughter; Schramsberg ('nough said); and the food....oh glorious food! I'm still coming down from the high. Now that I am home, and wonderfully rested, I have a very hot date tomorrow with the aerobics instructor at the gym I joined. Sigh, back to reality.

Everything else is status quo. Still hoping for an offer on the house...still plugging away at work...still seeing Dr. BlueEyes (my shrink). I have my dogs, my friends, my work, my art: all to keep me preoccupied while I count down the days...nay, the minutes...until I can file for a legal seperation. This is the route that we (oh, how that word "we" turns my stomach these days) decided to take given that financial detanglement hinges on the sell of the house...and with this shitty real estate market right now, that day could be way off. House selling - paying off debts + splitting assests = DIVORCE

Not that I'm in any big hurry to jump back in the dating pool again. In fact, the lack of romantic entanglement at the moment is a good thing in the world of me. Anyone who has been around for awhile, knows that there is rarely a long stretch of road between men for me. But right now, the only men in my life are Dr. BlueEyes and my Rocky (hey, ---> dogs are men!) and that's just the way I want it! Other than a few late-night, long-distance phone calls with an ex or two, I haven't wandered anywhere near man-land.

I deserve some much needed focus on me rather than us...

...for now.

Written in the stars...

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 19:35:07 GMT

Today's horoscope is a little spooky.

Especially given the emotional shift I've been experiencing lately...and the garage sale I'm having next weekend!

Libra (9/23-10/22)

Every time you get rid of an old idea, assumption or unwanted item, you make room for a new influx of energy and growth. Today, you could use a big dose of freshness, so see what you can do to empty a few closets (emotional and bedroom alike). Whether you toss out a relationship, a grudge or an old sweater, you'll immediately feel a sense of freedom and relief. You've been released from hanging onto what you thought you needed. The truth is you already have everything you need.

A whole lotta nothin....

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 04:23:22 GMT

Yeah, yeah....I know.

I swear I'm not ignoring my blog on purpose....it's just that things have been really quiet on the western front lately. Of course, that has been on purpose. I'm doing my best to keep life as simple as possible during this "transition phase" (as my shrink calls it).

Quiet + zoloft x vodka martinis / copious amounts of chocolate = relatively easy transition phase.

Simplicity, routine, reflection...those are the things keeping me grounded. The utter lack of drama in my life is refreshing. So very "adult" of me, isn't it? I mean, the worst reaction I've had is a few tears and an effigy burning or two (Wow, my shrink really is good!). No obsession...no jealous tirades...no evil plan plotting. Just another shoulder shrug in the world of me. Being 40 is awesome!

My main heart-break really is the lack of a child in my life. My main sadness is the undeniable likeliness that I'll never have a child of my own. I stood in MH's kitchen the other night and cried simply because her child is so beautiful. I watch how wonderful J is with him. How great they are together as a family. I listen to her child laugh, and it is the most beautiful sound in the world. And I may never know that joy.

That is the hole that was left in my soul when Mitch said, "I want a divorce." That is the hole that simplicity is helping me to deal with. Sure, I miss being married. The companionship and the sense of safety are great. Sure, I'm nervous about financial security. I'm shook up, because just when I felt as though my life had finally reached some kind of pinnacle...had meaning and direction...wham! Now I face uncertainty, and anyone who knows me at all, knows that is my worst nightmare. But worse than that, is a lost sense of hope that I will someday look at my own child and cry simply because that child is so beautiful.

On the flip side, I have genuine friends in my life...a job I love...a supportive family...a good shrink. And when I get bored with simplicity...it will be time for hope again.

Divorce diet

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 18:13:38 GMT

I have officially lost all the weight I so begrudgingly put on during my two IVF cycles. Really glad I didn't take the scissors to my wardrobe during that last stim (more commonly known as "hormone drug induced psychosis"), because now I am back into my "not fat-but not yet skinny" clothes.

This is why women need such huge closets! I have 4 different wardrobes in my closet at the present time:

There is the "IVF cycle wardrobe."

This is the wardrobe that I have cut out ALL of the size tags from my garments. What? It's easier to deny that you are wearing a size 12 this way. And if you are in-between cycles, like I was, you rationalize not losing any weight because hey, you might get pregnant, so why bother?

Then there is the "post-wedding wardrobe."

Face it, everyone puts on a few pounds after you get married. It's one of the unwritten rules. You know, like the "never getting laid in this lifetime again", rule. Hmmmm, therein lies a paradox...are you not getting laid because you've put on a few pounds...or have you put on a few pounds because, well-fuck it, you're not getting laid? And we all know that the only reason anyone stays in shape is to get laid! But, I digress....

Next, there is the "pre-wedding wardrobe."

or the "been dating for awhile and not so self-obsessed any more wardrobe", if you prefer. In a size 6 and still lookin' pretty damn good...but all the dinners out and mornings sleeping in instead of going to the gym have permanently retired the "skinny clothes" to the back of the closet.

Lastly, there is the "skinny wardrobe."

The holy grail....The wardrobe that consists only of size 4s and 2s (and even a pair of size zero Gap Jeans from your short anorexic phase). This is the "I'm single...and I spend all my time at the gym (trying to meet men), or hanging out in clubs drinking my dinner rather than eating it (and trying to meet men), or working all the time and forgetting to eat, wardrobe." I love this wardrobe. Everything looks good on me...and can anyone say "sample sale?"

So, now that there are no more IVF cycles in my immediate future...I've dusted the cobwebs off of my "skinny wardrobe" and visit them every once in awhile for old times sake. I'm almost back to the "pre-wedding wardrobe" and I'm happy to have a lay-over there for awhile on my way to the "skinny wardrobe." After all, there is no "never getting laid cause you're married" rule in this wardrobe...and who needs rules like that!

Tears and dirty dishes and xanax....oh my!

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 04:01:38 GMT

Wow. I've really been M.I.A. lately.

Enough already.

Enough tears shed...enough weekends spent in bed...enough dishes in the sink...enough xanax (well...maybe not quite yet)...enough moments wasted mourning what I've lost rather than celebrating what I have.

I have a fabulous shrink.

So, a new chapter in my life is beginning...and here's my new blog to go with it!

~Thank you with all my heart~

Mom, Mary-Hampton, Josh, Jeanne, Gregg, Cindy, Kristin, Stacey, Laura, Lisa, April, Haven, Bek, Michael, Aunt Vik, Aunt Charlotte, Will, Mary, Samantha, Lynda, Kathy, Leanne, Kay, Karen, Jo, Anne, Dianne, Steve, Hester, Shabnam, Rich

~for your love, support, thoughts, empathy, and vodka martinis~

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 02:33:15 GMT

So many roads. So many detours.

So many choices. So many mistakes.

As we speed along this road called life

Occasionally, a girl will find herself a little lost.

And when this happens,

I guess she has to let go of the

Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas

Buckle up, and just keep going.

Photo Album: My kids

Mon, 26 May 2008 00:50:35 GMT

My kids

2007

More Photos...

Photo Album: My friends

Mon, 26 May 2008 00:49:38 GMT

My friends

April & her girls

April & Lance

One hot night!

Aloha, baby!

Michelle

Anthony

Me & Anthony

Santa Cruz drunks

Life's a party!

MH, Josh & Ben

More Photos...

Photo Album: My family

Mon, 26 May 2008 00:32:24 GMT

My family

Me & Mama

Mama

Mom & Maggie Mae

Me & my brother Will

Nic&Mom&Will

Aunt Victoria

Vic&Thomas&Dogs

Victoria & Thomas

Grandpa

More Photos...

Photo Album: Oregon/Washington

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 22:36:53 GMT

Oregon/Washington

Deception Pass4

Deception Pass7

Deception Pass8

Deception Pass9

Image C2-269

Image C2-270

Image C2-271

Image C2-272

Image C2-273

Image C2-274

More Photos...

Photo Album: D.C.

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 22:18:14 GMT

D.C.

100_1834

100_1839

100_1956

17th

19th

Arlington National Cemetary

Building on Rhode Island

Capital Building2

Capitol Building

Connecticut Statue

More Photos...

Photo Album: Bahamas

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 21:42:28 GMT

Bahamas

Photos on disc 002

Photos on disc 003

Photos on disc 004

Photos on disc 005

Photos on disc 007

Photos on disc 013

Photos on disc 015

Photos on disc 016

Photos on disc 017

Photos on disc 018

More Photos...

Custom List: Blogs

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 03:52:49 GMT

Blogs

It's SO not about you
A fellow infertile who makes me laugh
Lott's blog
Welcome new baby Gavin!
Grantham's blog
My friend Kristen & her gorgeous family.
Lovekamp's Blog
Mary-Hampton is pregnant with twins!
Bob's Top 5
Objective truth distilled into hierarchical format.
John Grogan's blog
Musings from the author of "Marley and Me."
Michael Moore
Open your mind, then click.
Democratic Party blog
Memeing Naturalism
Center for Naturalism blogspot
Will & Kate's baby blog
My new baby neice!
The married years
My previous blog...Good for a laugh at least.

Custom List: Things I love

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 04:07:34 GMT

Things I love

1200 tc egyptian cotton sheets
Kissing
Dahlias
Martinis
Sleep
Dogs and kids
Art
Pajamas
Mexican chocolate mochas
Thunderstorms
The Pacific coast

Custom List: Websites

Mon, 26 May 2008 00:02:59 GMT

Websites

Council for Secular Humanism
Al Gore
Get involved and take action!
Mark Morford
Columnist for the San Francisco Chronical. Enter at your own risk.
Smokecatcher
My brother's work
Gore Medical
Where I work
Dogster
Rocky & Molly have their own page!
My space
Are you on my friends list yet?

Custom List: About me

Thu, 22 May 2008 19:22:52 GMT

About me

I loath G. W. Bush
I'm not a morning person
Fall is my favorite season
I hopelessly spoil my two fur-babies
I hate prejudice
Disorganization makes me crazy
I feel like a Libra, but act like a Scorpio
Infertility has made my feeling about abortion far more complex
My mom is my best friend
My nightmares involve water/drowning
I can do a five axis DSM-IV diagnosis, but I can't get Tivo to work

Custom List: Fun stuff

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 21:58:38 GMT

Fun stuff

Dr. Phil quiz
I scored a 41
Tickle tests
These are fun.
"Throw paper" game
Office hoops
Demortex
Gotta love this one! Beat the shit out of Bush when you're feeling cranky.

Book List: Good Reads

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 18:49:44 GMT

Good Reads